Ten Tips for Selling the World

If Ronald Majthenyi murders his way past your doorman, Alfred, and past your other doorwoman, Divinitee, and has thrown himself at the hem of your garment to kiss your feet, and even in his weakened state seems just murderous enough to warrant vigilance, then make the greatest mistake of a life just full of them and hear the fellow out.

One: Let Majthenyi take you high upon a hill to show you all of San Francisco’s kingdoms and their topologic splendour.

Two: Provoke Maj by saying you’re taking back Marcel_ Proust and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Three: If Majthenyi nods miserably, feel that weird shame of an opponent’s weakness made evident retroactively indicting your own weakness.

Four: Should the high road be a victor’s cruellest vindication, buy Ronald Majthenyi a conciliatory elk meat burger at the Brazen Head Gastropub, SF’s finest game-meat eatery.

Five: Assure waitstaff that whatever doneness standards the kitchen typically adheres to aren’t required for the food safety of a steel-jawed agent of the Infernal Serpent insusceptible to e.colic illness. Incautiously allow the waitress to refill your celebratory gin martini pitcher on several occasions.

Six: Should you accept Maj’s offer of a quick film at the venerable and licensed Roxie repertory theater, attribute the weakness of your will to reasons-responsiveness theory rather than mere drunkenness.

Seven: If It Gets Lonely Early (Doesn’t It) opens with the Tarkovsky quote that “Film is a mosaic of time, ”87 followed by a curation of your finest moments spent with Catherine, and this curation then delves into a counterfactual future wherein your love with Catherine was allowed to blossom, and there are warm embraces, moonlight and love songs, and winter years all gleaned from some parallel world, all gleaned and curated by some great auteur in Majthenyi’s employ, and these leftover dreams are the Infernal Serpent’s last gambit, bow your head and accept the quality of this gambit. Accept also the Newcomb-like problems of ignoring Dinivinitee’s blockchain revelation in favour of this particular olive branch.

Eight: “If you recall that Dionysus is also the god of religious ecstasy, then what’s a fun pit-stop on the road to heaven? Tell this celluloid to become life. Take your rightful place in the worldline where things went as they might have. Replace the man on the screen. Leave this profane world to all its harlequins and return to that older sacred one, that old pounding in your heart, surely it’s better than all the Britannicas, nootropics, and Destinees that weigh down this world. 87 (Tarkovsky, 1982) Have her back. Catherine. Begin each day with a tingle. ” – the dark wizard, Ronald.

Nine: Contemplate the mysteries long enough that the mysteries commence with contemplating you.

Ten: Ask of Ron, “Given that God presumably elected to place me in this specific worldline, can perhaps I see a PowerPoint presentation examining the faith-based ethics of multiverse hopping? Can it be skewed to make it seem like I’m not selling out entirely here?”