How to Visit Rob Dagg

If Britannica melodramatically presents “Catherine’s Murder Questions?!?” to you in the morning, wonder why these questions hadn’t occurred to you. View your nether-realms napkin and realize that they had.

One: If pockèdness yellows from banana to mustard upon your arrival, hold palms out in the universal, ‘Everything is cool; I am not seeking bloody recompense’ gesture.

Two: If The Dagger quivers, fearing Britannica the avenging apparition of Catherine, arriv èd in the ICU to escort Rob to hades or sheol or however Rob cognomens the pit, then hand Britannica the napkin so she can ask the questions in her affected but contextually-effective Billy Eilish whisper.

Three: If an esophageally-worn and -torn Dagger rubs his own palms and points doorward, understand based on a relevant episode of Intervention that Rob Dagg is requesting the old hand-sanitizer and water cocktail, the Purelli. Squirt sanitizer into your Perrier bottle, swirl sanitizer, sniff sanitizer, imbibe a conservative swig to steady nerves. Report to Rob that this libation hints at the borderline of potability. Relate to Rob Dagg’s relief upon imbibition of his frothy beverage.

Four: Should Britannica ask, “How did she die?” and Rob Dagg reaches out as if to strangle Britannica, slug The Dagger in his dying liver, thus expediting his looming death, more of a favour to Rob Dagg than anything.

Five: If Rob Dagg then mimes his own strangling, figure enough charades already and hand Rob Dagg your note napkin and pen.

Six: If Rob Dagg’s syntactic ordering-of-operations is but one casualty of his liver’s low glucose production, his first word will be asphyxiation, then to the left of that, sexual, and before that, consensual, and above all those awful words he’ll write the word ACCIDENT.

Seven: Scream at The Dagger, “Strangled her friggin’ head off by accident?”

Eight: If Dagg makes the universal index finger rotation in conjunction with a slight bobbing of the wrist, i.e. ‘Fast forward in the narrative a bit, ’ shrug in acquiescence, i.e. ‘Do I look like some slave dogmatic to any deterministic arrow of narrative time?”

Nine: Receive written clarification that Catherine’s beheading was an aborted effort to slice up and feed Catherine’s body parts to the nearby swine of a Thessalonian pig farmer only after her very accidental asphyxiation on Noonday Road, a fitting place-name given Nietzsche’s thought of thoughts that “space and time sleep at midday, ”55 when “the midday sun is the Moment of the shortest shadow and the 55 (Nietzsche, The Gay Science) most luminous brightness, the image of eternity. When ‘the greatest burden’ is assimilated. ”56

Ten: Let Rob Dagg’s story seep in. Get Filets of Fish: extra sauce, no bun. Accept Britannica’s back rub of support. Squint in disdain if Britannica says, “Want to try it?” and you say, “Try what?” and she says, “Sex strangling. ” 56 (Heidegger, 1984)