Ten Tips for Asphyxiating Thine Enemy Unto Death

If The Dagger’s revelation in no way vindicates Alan Raval, i.e. ‘Just an asphyxiational mishap. Maybe best to forgive Alan for beheading your sister because accidents happen, ’ then the day and the hour hath come for Alan to breathe his last breath.

One: Asphyxiation is brought about by deprivation of gaseous tracheal oxygen! In your sister’s case, said deprivation was brought about by strangling. Sexual strangling! In Alan Raval’s case, strangling may present too many irksome variables i.e. ‘Alan overpowering you, ’ i.e. ‘loud sputtering attracting the attention of passerby. ’

Two: Consider using a garrote or ligature! Fans of the JonBenet Ramsey murder will recall that a ligature is a wire or cord tied in a loop around a stick. Loop goes around the neck, pull the stick, and the victim can say goodbye to any gaseous tracheal oxygen they’d been counting on, lol.

Three: Garrote is not a technically precise term. Garrote simply refers to a form of Spanish judicial execution that happened to employ the ligature.

Four: Don’t get hung up on semantics with the manager of the Home Hardware. Don’t read to the manager from A medico-legal perspective on the practice of Garrotting as well as How to Improve Your Investigation and Prosecution of Strangulation Cases.

Five: Remember that ligatures (or garrotes) can also work by severing the carotid artery. If essential that your sister’s death be avenged by asphyxiatatory means, use something soft like a telephone cord instead of a piano wire or guitar string, even though as Barthelme wrote in Some of Us Had Been Threatening our Friend Colby, “There is something extremely distasteful in thinking about being hanged with wire instead of rope. ”57

Six: Ride the bus all over creation looking for stores that still sell wired telephones.

Seven: Hide in the bushes behind the Raval family home. Grow bored. Grow cold. If its display may sacrifice the element of surprise vital to an effective garroting, scold Britannica for checking her phone so frequently.

Eight: If Britannica jumps up and down in jubilation, scold her further before reading Ryan Ingerson’s text that a replacement anthem singer is required at the Essar Centre.

Nine: “Can we go please? Please? We can carrot Alan Raval right after I sing. I promise. Please?”

Ten: Sigh, place your carrot in your back pocket, rend your garment, and call upon that primary requirement of all 37-year-old men clinging to hot young girlfriends: the patience of Job. 57 (Barthelme, Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby, 1981)