How to Have Your Wernicke’s Area Robotically Impinged Upon

If demand for the Wernicke Zap™ booms such that every family doctor, nurse practitioner, and naturopath in the General Toronto Area haphazardly trains in implanting Sam Harris’ proprietary Wernicke Zapper™ nano-surgical robot, then collect three chickens, a chord of wood, and two fatted calves to trade the horse surgeon practising at the stables in hopes she will remove from your mind all your words and elisions and ego constructions.

One: Order your affairs in preparation to exist outside of time and language. If it’s your last opportunity to speak, try to listen. Allow Emily to air her grievances while you’re still capable of understanding and responding.

Two: Nod absently at Emily’s laundry-list of grievances e.g. ‘Philandering, inhalant abuse, emotional abuse, egotism, + too high a priority placed on unmonetized blogging.’

Three: Prefer your last utterances not be those of a petulant and histrionic narcissist. Rather, endeavour to speak with the simplicity of a stylist and blogger and revelator of your magnitude. Speak the words, “I’m sorry. ” Feel as though perhaps she believes you for once.

Four: Feel less surprise than you’d like to upon recognizing your veterinary surgeon.

Five: If Dr. Jenya’s waiver lists side effects including – lack of sensory processing for phoneme content, i.e. ‘the inability to perceive language. ’ – Wernicke’s aphasia i.e. ‘the affliction of speaking sentences that sound fluent but lack meaning. ’ those are no revelator’s cup of tea, but if fluid-sounding nonsense is your bread and butter anyway, blogging-wise, ask Emily if she’ll transcribe any fluent-sounding sentences you speak, even those lacking sensibly-processed phoneme content, and publish them so as to provide your loyal audience with at least some whispers in the darkness.

Six: If the waiver waves responsibility for any and all temporal-lobe damages a thick-fingered hair-stylist turned horse doctor might inflict while more or less Lasiking a little robot in the vicinity of a temporal lobe, this means the undersigned may never again comprehend, feel emotion, remember, perceive the passage of time, or view a vision.

Seven: Ask Jenya’s colorist and surgical technologist if you’ll be able to read. Should she respond, “Probably can run your eyes over the page anyway, ” then line up Audible titles based on your nascent interest in active contemplation e.g. ‘James Finlay, ’ e.g. ‘Thomas Merton. ’

Eight: If Audible’s Christian Mysticism category underdelivers, regret that Emily has already paid Jenya $2573, knowing the “I already paid” argument trumps all rational objection to encephalic hardship.

Nine: Should your anaesthetic be improperly administered, practise gratitude for a few extra seconds of comprehensory horror. Perceive but don’t necessarily remember the buzzing and bone-dust smell of your skull being sawed. Hit ‘publish’ on what must be your last meaningful blog in some time.

2 COMMENT ON “TEN TIPS FOR HAVING YOUR WERNICKE’S AREA ROBOTICALLY IMPINGED UPON” Grievin’ Gary: Did you hit publish right as they were sawing your skull? Pretty badass way to end this blog; as good a time as any for me to unsubscribe. Best of wishes with your Wernicke’s area and I hope it helps lessen the grief of your deceased sister. Brampton Int’l Grief Conference: Hope the surgery went wellh! Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers!