How to Feign Mindfulness

If proteinaceous silk has ensnared Emily in the Intellectual Dark Web, she’ll offer narcissism-reversal advice gleaned from a Joe Rogan Experience with Sam Harris: “You use his Waking Up meditation app, only $18.99 a month, which might seem expensive for a subscription service except it could save your life and make life easier for everyone who puts up with you, plus I think he gives it away free when you beg him. ”

One: If Emily places a Winners yoga mat beneath an ancient pine and then alights a crackling fire, don’t risk losing face i.e. ‘Not open-minded regarding Eastern traditions. ’ Sit on that chemical-smelling mat and feign mindfulness!

Two: If you’ve seen too many bubos and oozing suppurations to clear your mind entirely, + hold preconceived notions that meditation is new age flakery if not thinly-guised devil worship lacking the heft of Christian mortification, then check your phonve for likes and shares on latest blog: 0. Check for Instagram likes: all bot likes.

Three: If your histrionics remain unheralded, make even meditating a competitive enterprise. Refocus on the breath. Request clarity. Evade the consequences of no-go theorems. Evade the iterative deployment, iterative discovery, and bad alignment take bingo heard in the ringing belles de Garis. Evade the ever-vigilant mark inside. Start to find something. Feel a fleeting moment of a bliss transcendent. Try to replace the worm inside with the Catherine inside, for as the xenophobe H.P. Lovecraft wrote, “For know you, that your gold and marble city of wonder is only the sum of what you have seen and loved in youth. ” 105 Suddenly know you that the 17-year-old visions of Catherine seen and loved in the “flower-fragrant common”106 of Bellevue Park only existed because of something inside you. Close your eyes to seek a sempiternal Catherinian grace, “a liquid loveliness which cannot die, ”107 but a liquid loveliness that can only live if you believe it immanent.

Five: If surely some blogospheric colleague has combined yuppie yoga mat meditation with bible thumpin’, creed-proclaimin’, old-time religion by this late capitalistic stage, feel rather under-resourced in the study of religions upon discovering this ecclesiastical fusion-cuisine has been served for millennia. Dive down the rabbit hole of your phone’s many corroborating studies on the efficacy of contemplative meditation, e.g. A Randomized Investigation of Evangelical Christian Accommodative Mindfulness108 from that foremost pillar of academia: The Baptist College of Florida, ’ e.g. ‘The 105 (Lovecraft, 2014) 106 (Lovecraft, 2014) 107 (Lovecraft, 2014) 108 (Ford & Garzon, 2017) University of Zuzuland’s An integral investigation into the phenomenology and neurophysiology of Christian Trinity meditation. ’109 Eschew meditative silence for frequent cries of

“Eureka!”

Six: Seek to validate your metanoia, apathea, illumination, and theosis on your crotch-situated phone, immediately loosening your grasp on the Catherine internal.

Seven: Swear a full-throated vow of silence. Break it (1m16s) to inform a passing mailperson how your personal silence can benefit only you, whilst a silver-tongued proselytizing of silence’s virtue might benefit all weary narcs and histrionics. Ask the skittish mailwoman to help arrange your lighting tree for a hotly-anticipated YouTube sermon.

Eight: If Emily hazes the mailwoman westward before Android-revelating a dozen odd YouTube narcs all streaming their own narc-ish iterations of the good contemplative news, all loudly meditating wild-eyed from Psalms—if all that, then know that narcs are gonna narc about a subject even self-effacing as contemplative meditation.

Nine: Learn from Emily’s Alexa of yet another intervention for the latest outbreak. Atheistic Sam Harris, having reached narcs about the benefits of meditation, but now outraged by these narc’s own competing ideology-based meditative prayer apps, has proposed a quick lazer zap to the old Wernicke’s area, the brain area responsible for the perception of time, for speech and its comprehension: a simple robotic zap to induce what Harris deems a therapeutic course of anomic aphasia. 109 (Edwards & Edwards, 2012)

Ten: If Sam references Iain McGilchrist’s controversial The Master and His Emissary, phone-read McGilchrist’s interview in Frontier Psychiatrist in which this necessarily-bearded man states: thought originates in the right hemisphere, is processed for expression in speech by the left hemisphere, and the meaning integrated again by the right (which alone understands the overall meaning of a complex utterance, taking everything into account)… and concludes that, the right brain is the mediator, the first and last stop of all experience.110 Deduce that for your stupid self-reflexive self to regain the Catherine internal, what escape is there from the left brain’s empirical isolationism other than to abandon the perception of time? 110 (Frontier Psychiatry, 2010)