Why Do All The Big Pharmaceutical Companies Hate Ernst ‘Ernie’ Kraay?

If all the charity in the world won’t reattach the necrotic digits of three billion weary bubonics, then recline in a malarial swamp and attempt a Thought Form antidote to the Black Plague.

One: If this manifests as a Black Plague vaccine hastily developed by Klaas J. Kraay’s nephew Ernst ‘Ernie’ Kraay, then attend Ernst’s seminar in Manistique.

Two: If a vaccine side-effect is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, figure, ‘Really even that far off from my baseline persona?’ Wait in line. Get the shot. If the narcissism trades transmitters with its cluster B colleagues from the previous sustain’s BPD, taste their unique flavour profiles. Despite frequent accusations from teachers, parents, spouses, Uber drivers, ASL interpreters, librarians, strippers, therapists, television producers, editors, WordPress customer service functionaries, and myriad others, learn that you hadn’t really been a narcissist after all: you’d been afflicted by nothing more sinister than a robust ego co-morbid with a little messianic zeal, not unlike Bob Dylan.

Three: If enduring E.E. Kraay’s exit interview in exchange for a 10% discount on your booster vaccine, get diagnosed as the amorous type of narcissist, i.e. ‘Sexually seductive; enticing; beguiling; tantalizing; glib and clever; disinclined to real intimacy; indulges hedonistic desires; bewitches and inveigles others; pathological lying and swindling; tends to have many affairs, often with exotic partners. ’99

Four: Inveigle a pretty girl in the outpatient area. When rejected, assert, “I’ve inveigled prettier before and I’ll inveigle prettier again, Courtney. ”

Five: If no pretty girls wish to be beguiled, tantalized, or swindled, then listen to a windy narrative from a man you style Self-Biographical Raphael. With the brevity of Karl Ove Knausgård, Raphael will reveal his own zeals and interfamilial tragedies. He will text a link to his own blog: http:// the importanceofbeingfunny.wordpress.com. If disinclined towards this level of intimacy, wait with increasing irritation for your turn to talk. If Self-Biographical Raphael leaves the slightest opening, e.g. “You see, my sister was also quite funny and encouraged… ” hijack the narrative and essay your usual sororal song and dance until Self-Biographical Raphael fakes a sneezing fit and ostensibly leaves to acquire a Kleenex but really just to reiterate his autobiography not even twenty feet away to Cosplay Carl, one of the many outpatient narcissists who counter-intuitively loves cocaine, common sense 99 (Millon, 1996) suggesting no one needs cocaine less than a raging narcissist conducting daily life in cosplay.

Six: If Cosplay Carl refuses your request for a line, compliment his Thanos getup until he meets you halfway with a key bump. Ask Cosplay Carl and Self-Biographical Raphael if they’d like to hear about the sunshine’s gleam on a fishing lure one August morning that convinced you the revelator and grief advocate and recovering BPD sufferer and narcissist and necrotically-digited blogger that you were truly a fisherman, but also, also (!), in love with your sister Catherine.

Seven: If Ernie appears overwhelmed by all the narcissistic outpatient assholes he hath wrought, break the ice by quoting his uncle’s Incommensurability, Incomparability, and God’s Choice of a World100, ostensibly to converse about a subject of mutual interest, but really just to show off how learned you are.

Eight: Don’t even mention knowing Klaas J. Kraay from a bygone sustain. Act like of course you’re well-versed in K. Kraay’s Incommensurability stance, its deficiencies, as well as all the axiological apertures of the No Best World debate, necessitarianism, contingentism, + probably every other subject.

Nine: Run out of outpatients who’ll listen to you. Speak on YouTube. Speak on street corners. Ring a big gold bell. Try to email your sister but only invoke that divider of destinies: the Mailer Daemon. Email Warden Fermat. Email the family of Dean Izdubar apologizing for his murder but really only to attention-seek. Email your parents hoping for clues as to 100 (Kraay, Incommesurability, Incomparability, and God’s Choice of a World, 2011) where Catherine might be. Beat your chest on the high cliffs. Rend your breast. Audition for a play. If ridiculed by the Jon Lovitzian director as “drunk, ” perform your own one-man show in Manistique’s town square. If the play is reviewed by a civil servant in his ticketing of you as a “public nuisance, ” post this review on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and elsewhere.

Ten: If you’ve been ignored for weeks, and the only folks in the bawdy houses of Manistique are fellow narcissists desperate to describe their pyramid schemes and management styles and bespoke suits and preferred IPAs, realize what you need is someone with a nice co-dependent personality disorder. To this end, email your estranged wife, Emily.