Ten Tips for Welcoming a House Guest

Heed these tips for welcoming into your humble abode a friend, family member, or even a stranger who resembles no one so much as the 4th century’s Alaric the Visigoth.

One: Inform your wife that Ronald Majthenyi will be living with you. Remind her of the ageism epidemic in kids’ coding camps, wherein the pessimists at Kinvert.com state, “The youngest so far that we have successfully taught was six years old. The biggest barrier in my opinion to teaching young kids Python is their reading and typing abilities, ” thereby gatekeeping Marcel_Proust out of even the chintziest plaza-situated coding camp, requiring you the mourning-averse grief blogger to have camped there yourself while Marcel_Proust slept with the name “Binarity Inverarity” name-tagged upon his closed stroller. Remind her how Marcel_Proust’s incapacity to take the hourly quizzes was mocked by admins, necessitating the concession, “Yes, on a strictly physiological level my fingers are guiding his fingers. He is eight months old. He lacks dexterity. ” Remind her of the admins’ galling challenges to your soundness as a child’s guardian, forcing you to pivot towards subjects of common interest, e.g. ‘Toronto Maple Leafs, ’ e.g. ‘folk causality, ’ e.g. ‘Metatron, ’ until security staff paid minimum wage to enforce the cultural norms of a shabby plaza accost you the recent traumatic brain injuree, invoking a terror in Marcel_Proust assuaged only by mobile ordering him a baby-sized helping of McNuggets, blending the McNuggets at home, and streaming for him Python tutorials that establish YouTube’s free tutors as inadequate to setting any baby’s double pendulum a-oscillating or to feeding the figurative chickens of his “quantum bestiary” 24 some fries, whatever either of those Bandler-encoded phrases might mean.

Two: Point to Marcel_Proust as he sits transfixed before Majthenyi’s MacBook, streams of abstruse code flowing past like snakes down the Ganges. Ask if she’d prefer Marcel_Proust be sitting slack-jawed in front of Disney+ all day as her ‘best friend’s’ bestial children are wont to do.

Three: Should she sneer with dark neuroticism, take the high road by speaking softly, “Not in front of Ron, please. ”

Four: Experience a mix of terror and admiration as Ron hypnotizes your wife into finding him fresh bedsheets.

Five: Lacking strength and wisdom and knowing not that you are deceived, lay before Ron your best bathrobe in a similar psychogenic fugue. Oblate him with spritzes of sweet Polo Sport odours. Bring him fine wines and raw elk meat.

Six: Make room for a guest’s belongings! If the guest is Ronald Majthenyi this will include many ancient apothecary bottles. Clear a shelf for pharmakons. Clear a shelf for tinctures. Employ 24 (Wargo E., 218) the Marie Kondo method and throw away your wife’s balms and lotions and essential oils that no longer bring anyone joy.

Seven: Anticipate your guest’s needs! Minor touches like an unwrapped bar of soap go a long way.

Eight: Share all the little household secrets! A house guest will not know how to stoke an anachronistic wood stove with timber should he catch a chill in the night.

Nine: Think like a hotel! If Ronald Majthenyi prefers to live deliciously, place elk meat (Ziplocked) on his pillow. Should he be busy teaching Marcel_Proust that ' clustering' is the detection of similarities, thereby keeping you out of the pit, this must be the least you can do.

Ten: If inclined to shiver off and pray, sneak into the bathroom to proclaim a single Apostle’s Creed lubricated by eight Max Ice. Optimistically attribute your fatigue, weakness, cotton mouth, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, light sensitivity, dizziness, and shakiness to strong beer rather than Ronald’s telepathic percipience.

2 COMMENTS ON “TEN TIPS FOR WELCOMING A NEW HOUSEGUEST” Clean Mama Blog: Great tips! Although if you throw away your wife’s balms that might get YOU spending some time as a houseguest…in the dog’s house! LOL! UNLEARN THE LIES: Frankly this Ronald guy sounds every bit the Archon to me. I think you’re making a huge mistake by getting off the gnostic bandwagon. Don’t sleep on Yaldabaoth brother.