Ten Tips for Visiting Lovely Sudbury, Ontario

If by Fiat you and Catherine drive towards a CDC emergency outpost in Sudbury, Ontario, which town is like a garden of goddamned sadness, once described by CNN as a “wasteland” due to its industrially-wrought acid rain epidemic, and where NASA astronauts trained because it purportedly

“resembled the lifeless surface of the moon, ” then before entering the CDC’s tented camps from which body bags are more likely to emerge than healed-but-moody individuals, this according to r/Sudbury anyway, then enjoy the Sudbury sites before it gets too late.

One: Observe mountains of stone blackened by ore.

Two: Regard the Big Nickel, the world’s largest coin, twelve-sided, 30-ft high, a commemoration of the blight perpetrated by the nickel mining industry. Remark, “Well, yes. ”

Three: Visit a sandwich diner that is also a karaoke bar. Step aside as Catherine does a throaty rendition of Daniel Romano’s Empty Husk. Nod gravely as she sings of “saintly diadems. ” Give her a kiss. Eat a liverwurst sandwich. Drink a Diet Pepsi. Eat some salt and vinegar chips. Eat some ketchup chips. Drink a Dr. Pepper. Gaze at your bloodshot eyes in the bathroom mirror. Recall Preston’s reportage that,

“Ebola particles are made entirely of human materials. ”

Four: Seek rest at a motel. Enter the bathroom a millisecond or so before it procedurally generates. Join Catherine in the shower to rub the little rectangle of coarse motel soap upon her thighs and stomach and breasts and neck and upper vertebrae. Heed her request not to “put that shit near my hair. ” Recall that Thomas Aquinas defined beauty as “that which, when seen, pleases. ”89

Five: Watch the IMAX movie North of Superior at Science North. Realize you are stalling.

Six: Bite the bullet and pop the address of the CDC Red Zone into Waze. If George Jones’ cover of When I Stop Dreaming by the Louvin Brothers comes on the radio, a song Daniel Romano once called the “saddest song ever written, ” realize only its first two lines constitute the saddest song ever written: When I stop dreaming/That’s when I’ll stop loving you.

Seven: Try not to get irritable with Catherine over her hiccupping, because if irritable even with all you’ve ever dreamed of, that would make you a man incapable of love.

Eight: Stand in the Ebola Sufferers line in the Sudbury Community Arena’s parking lot and suffer that distinct unease of any triage situation, i.e. ‘Geez Louise, if didn’t have Ebola already, definitely have it now. May as well have laid to rest in a field of bones. ’

Nine: Recognize a physician through the soft plastic face bubble of her impermeable whole-body garment. In what 89 (Aquinas, 1225-1274) is surely a violation of Ebola-preventiveness procedures, receive a hug and feigned kiss from a certain nootropicallypredisposed robot you’ve known and caressed.

Ten: If Dr. Maya Achlys-Septis raps straight with you, “The vaccine works, but gotta warn you, brutal side effects, such as you’ll be even more irritable, you grouch, and definitely some identity disturbance, and definitely feelings of abandonment, and definitely some self-harm, some cutting, some bulimia, ” then based on experiences with the mistress referenced in blogs of the last lifetime, speak the name that these thin-skinned symptoms and sequalae signify: “Borderline Personality Disorder. ” If Maya continues, “Plus some unwholesome overlapping with other Cluster Bs. The alternative, however, is not the A82V Makona Variant of Ebola Zaire, but rather the A82Y Manistique Variant of Ebola Cheboygan, which still results in all the cramping and orifice bleeding and such forth, except without the relief of a prompt death; in fact, without death where there should be death, that is to say extreme dehydration from bleeding out all day but then no death, so kind of like an undying Ebola. Kind of like zombies of deep time lol, ” then ask Dr. Maya if you might talk to Ronald Majthenyi about all this. If Dr. Maya blankly stares that means she’s incapable of knowing her maker’s face, get in line for your shot of Borderline Personality Disorder comorbid with a grab bag of the Cluster B’s.