All the NOPE for these Real-Life Medical Thriller Moments

If the next morning Aubrey and Todd and Dennis and Little Rick are wearing HEPA masks and driving jet skis trailed by wakes of what you first perceive as coffee grounds but soon recognize as black blood, then affix headphones and listen to the topical Josh Ritter album, Fever Breaks.

One: If Richard Preston’s Panic in the Red Zone happens to be on your aunt’s bookshelf, learn of the six Ebola sisters [Ebola virus (species Zaire ebolavirus), Sudan virus (species Sudan ebolavirus), Taï Forest virus (species Taï Forest ebolavirus, formerly Côte d’Ivoire ebolavirus), Bundibugyo virus (species Bundibugyo ebolavirus), Reston virus (species Reston ebolavirus) plus also Nipah,] strains that Preston calls

“the zombies of deep time. ”

Two: If Aubrey and Todd and Rick and Dennis’ jet ski shenanigans have died down, visit their neighbouring cabin to find “the boys” in their own black vomitus. Overcome your Heeby-Jeebies to conduct an amateur autopsy on Little Richard. Discover petechiae inside the skin. Detect melena in the intestines. Find Danny still clinging to life and thus resistant to autopsy. Cleave his head in with a stump, out of mercy, ostensibly, and yet with all the grey wrath of the cuckold.

Three: Wish you’d worn a Hazmat suit to independently verify Preston’s reportage that “cadaveric blood doesn’t coagulate. ” Try to be a stand-up guy by digging shallow graves for Little Richard et al. Give up when your indecency reasserts itself just as thunder rolls in.

Four: Place your right hand on Catherine’s hip bone and read Preston’s non-fiction thriller on the day bed, cozy as only the rain on a rooftop or a murder story can make a man.

Five: If Catherine has a hiccup fit, don’t tell her that according to Preston hiccups are a signifier of scary old Ebola.

Six: Read that a virus is a mathematical pattern. Surmise that if a virus is a line of code then it can be deleted.

Seven: Ask the omnisciences for any alternative to Ebola. Regret this evermore.

Eight: As CBC dogmatists assert that Ebola is a product of internalised isms in the Center for Disease Control space, learn tangentially that the CDC has set up a command centre in Sudbury, a mere three hour trip. Quip hilariously, “Finally a reason to go to Sudbury!” Get a big laugh from Catherine that makes all this Ebola angst worthwhile.

Nine: Cry out, “Let’s go chase the lightning, ” and board your pontoon boat to traverse the black waves of the poisoned lake. Turn the ignition of your Fiat 500l. Remind your sister, “You and I have been lovers since 1998. ” Feel her heartbeat. Sing country harmony on a few standards.

Ten: Take to Highway 17. Learn on the radio of the troubleshoot you’d prayed for. “An antidote generated from the blood of a Sierra Leone nurse… ” … “Some side effects… related to mood, but better than… ” – CDC spokesperson, Tarik Jasarevic.