Ten Tips for Transcending Space and Time

One: Read. Study and read. Experience ravishments of ecstasy.

Two: Win monk of the month and then monk of the year. Receive a nice plaque to hang above your sleeping roll.

Three: Set a Priory record by meditating without food or water for fifty-six days, surviving only on the surplus energy of the sun. Tell Friar Dennis you would have gone longer but wanted to pay homage to Joe DiMaggio’s hit streak + were getting pretty hungry and thirsty.

Four: In High Park, meditate in the secret stands of Lily of the Valley, at the foot of Oaks, and at the arched lance-leaves of Solomon’s Seals.

Five: If you’ve reached the incipient union of the seventh castle, return to the third castle to walk in fear for a while, much as millennials replay Resident Evil 2 years after they’ve beaten it for the nostalgia pop.

Five: Aggravate Friar Reggie by flitting, mid-meditation, in and out of existence just as nanoscopic materials might.

Six: If Friar Reggie inquires regarding the uncertainty of your particle location, e.g. ‘Where the heck do you go?’ pass this off as but another irksome aspect of echo- and offerwave enlightenment that Reggie will experience should Reggie’s future want this for Reggie.

Seven: Meditate more. Levitate on occasion. Curse Friar Dirk for never having his phone ready to record your levitations. As you withdraw from the outside world, start to glimpse many interacting worlds. In each of the many interacting worlds, gaze upon golden hills in the distance.

Seven: If hills in the distance resemble the gold RF connectors on Intel’s Tangle Lake Quantum Processor, know you’re nearing a base reality. Feel about as eschatological as John of Patmos must have.

Eight: Experience darkness. Feel approximately 250 times colder than deep space. Bang on your drum.

Nine: If in response to a dual-monitor’s consciousness metrics Klaas J. Kraay opens a CERN-brand fifty gallon drum to ask,

“How did your consciousness reassert itself?” then respond to Klaas, “The door into the castle is prayer, Kraay. ” Inform Klaas that Ernst ‘Ernie’ Kraay sends regards. Ask if the CERN men’s locker room has shower facilities you might warm up in.

Ten: If The Maj creeps amidst the steam with the nimbleimpropriety of Joe Paterno, rush to detach from your rectal wall the electrodes contacting the biometric inferencing of a neomorphic Luigi chip. Even while experiencing the universal vulnerability borne of digital-rectal intervention, greet Ron with an aggressive slap on the back, i.e. ‘Bet you never expected to see this old chunk of coal again, eh dickweed?’