Ten Tips for Reversing the Flow of Time (For Real This Time)

If you’ve involuted out of a simulation, externally-driven microwave generators no longer powering Luigi qubits responsible for your reality experience, then give Ronald Majthenyi the middle finger in the fashion of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

One: “W-was just playing a rib on you with all the plague and pestilence and personality disorders in that simulation, knew you’d emerge stronger in the end D-David. However, here for your sweet revenge, sweet revenge, sweet revenge i s …”

Two: If Maj then leads you to his own CERN-based Illiac Suite, bound and gagged therein will sit Alan Raval.

Three: Remove Alan’s erotic ball gag to hear the words,

“I am sorry David. You must know I loved her. Maybe I didn’t love her as much as you. It’s no competition. Who knows these depths besides guys like us, capable of feeling it and seeing it and writing blogs and concept albums about it? I promise it was an accident. ” Should he then sob without self-control or masculinity, fake an ocular acceptance as seen in pictures of Thomas Merton. Rather than, “I forgive you, ” which can sound condescending, fake really forgiving him by saying, “Accidents happen, lol. ”

Four: If Ronald Majthenyi repeatedly raises his eyebrows as all low-yield conmen try but fail to pressure the truly assured, e.g. ‘Eh? Eh? How about it? Eh? Eh?’ while offering you a ceremonial dagger, then ask of Alan Raval, “What do you make of this four-alarm asshole?”

Five: If Alan responds, “100p one of the worst guys going, ” then sine promptum Klaas J. Kraay will chime in, “Wretched figure. I refer you to my 2014 paper Peter van Inwagen on Gratuitous Evil. Peter has said all that needs to be said regarding the evil of a Ronald Majthenyi. ”

Six: If you ask Allan to, “Describe one of your finer, preferably non-sexual, moments shared with Catherine, ” and he replies, “I can try. I won’t describe a moment though. Catherine will require the depth of context you’ve attempted in your blogs and I did achieve, if only once, in Transmogrification Blues #4. You have to splice the component pieces together to get the right attack. You layer in a bit of Beethoven, some street sounds, you repitch…in your case…uh…some Paul Ricoeur…I do read your blogs David, partially as a personal safety thing, but mostly because they give back a few bars of the blend of her melody, something of how she looked and smiled, because once time takes some things, only a transmedia collage can convey love’s depth through the vast prism of time. Never seemed to have a runny nose. Never showed up anywhere smelling like fried meat even if we’d just fried bacon at home. We’ve all known women a little too beautiful for their station in life. Right Dave? Right Klaas J. Kraay?”

Seven: If a misty-eyed Klaas J. Kraay responds, “Yes, once. These women must build fortresses around themselves or else every two-bit ogre will storm their unprotected gates to commit outrages of sex, spirit, and probably worst: predictability—Derrick D. Gray in accounting saving all his best hunting stories for the unfortressed goddess. A few elites earn entry as a result of perceived valour or decency. The rest of the world can only admire the landscaping around the drawbridge, the swans in the moat, or the discipline of the sentries. ”

Eight: If Allan comprises Kraay’s conception to continue,

“With Catherine, not only was the drawbridge always down, there was a big sign welcoming the ogres. That’s why she loved me, too. A Saultite doesn’t write concept albums if he hasn’t pushed a big Shrek sack of need his whole life. That’s why she was so afraid of loving you. You were her brother. She was doomed to love you the most, because you were doomed to need her the most, ” then regret decades of your life directed towards an unnecessary hatred of Alan Raval.

Nine: If Maj sneers, “It’s mighty funny, could have sworn it was Alan she was doomed to love, Alan being the only murderous slicer of heads among us, ” feel no sympathy for Maj, fallen angel or whatever he is, so dysteleologically divorced from all that is good.

Ten: Build heat for your babyface comeback by responding, “Except…except the Ebola was rather quite murderous in spirit, and the cruelty of the BPD separation was far far worse. ” Give a rub to Allan’s babyface-turn by apologizing for interrupting his performance of Time Prism at her funeral. Apologize for the fist-fight, the tipping over of Catherine’s closed casket on that pale afternoon. Express condolences regarding Rob Dagg’s hepatic plight. Address Ronald, “Alan knew what I knew, what I hope even dear Klaas has known in a loving marriage: that you can never leave the ‘gold and marble city of wonder’ after you’ve lived there once. It exists outside of time, you steel-jawed rube, waiting to be credentialed by belief. ”

Eleven: If Ronald Majthenyi lacks a come-back for so stiff a rib, kick Maj in his stomach, doubling him over. Deliver a Stone Cold stunner such that he flops around like an unloved steel-jawed emissary incapable of even knowing that he cannot know. Issue the Abrahamic warning, “The next time you see me coming, you better run. ”

Twelve: Mention it’s late, way past midnight. Check your watch. Inquire regarding Genevan street-level entrances. Mark well, reader, should you hear Stone Cold’s iconic theme playing your way out, you’ve been swerved into one last sustain by Ronald Majthenyi. Look with Mertonian decency at Klaas J. Kraay, i.e. ‘You can’t enjoy administering all these sustains when your real focus is on Theism and Modal Collapse and The Problem of No Best World and Externalism and Self-Knowledge, causing Klaas J. Kraay to remove a second microscopic Luigi Chip from your armpit hair. Stun the real Ronald Majthenyi. Drop to your knees and violate his face with your middle fingers.

Thirteen: If you find yourself standing before a gate, crest it.