Ten Tips for Spreading Yuletide Cheer

If while visiting sad old Sault Sainte Marie your father invites you to his study for an evening dram, grab him by the lapels of his smoking jacket and shout, “Why couldn’t you have prevented it? Why? Why? Why couldn’t you have prevented her decapitation?”

One: Let this set the dark tenor for the family Christmas.

Two: If you can’t stop shouting, “You’re not a man. Not in my book. Not if you couldn’t have kept her alive!” across the yule loaf at the man who diligently and decently raised you, then it’s best to partake of a few solitary drams before boarding a bus to a downtown bar. If barflies buy drinks for young girls in flower, any of these reprobates may have been Allan Raval’s third accomplice, perhaps even the procurer of the saw.

Three: Photograph landmarks like the International Bridge and the Big Picnic Table in Bellevue Park and send them to Grievin’ Gary as per GG’s request.

Four: Weep until 5 am while imbibing all available spirits and even a few household solvents. Fall into the closest available set of arms, be they the arms of a mother, or a father, these arms distinguishable by whether they are clothed in a nightgown or a smoking jacket. Bellow with all the anguish inside you, “I was once a brother!”

Five: Stalk the palatial estate of Allan Raval, the grey man who saw (pun certainly not intended!) her last. If his infinity pool has been drained for the winter, fill it with a token amount of your urine.

Six: If Allan Raval has O.P.P. enforce a restraining order that mandates you keep 500 yards from both Raval and McMansion, inform the Ontario Provincial Police that that restraining order expired in 2015. If lawmen remark upon the scent of solvents emanating from your person, claim to have been varnishing.

Seven: Absorb their eyerolls, pity, and hatred. Whisper as you decamp, “Why couldn’t you have prevented it?” at Constable Bad Douglas Bindi Jr., the discoverer of Catherine’s severed head.

Eight: Urinarily deface the home of Rob Dagg, known accomplice of Alan Raval.

Nine: Treat your parents to a nice meal! Remember that they themselves still grieve in whatever miserly way their hearts are capable of. According to Grievin’ Gary, food is just gangbusters for the grieving. The stricken love to strap on the old feedbag. If dining out is cost-prohibitive, local Italian restaurants sell tomato sauce to go. As noodles are a real high-yield item, simply buy these at a grocery store, affix $8 sauce, and you have provided a restaurant-quality meal for a song.

Ten: Smell the night. Visit the snow, this most pristine of condensations coating the entire town as it cannot in smoggier climes. Blog of how the most meagre Christmas decoration shines far brighter when offset against the dismal. Blog of how a twenty-five-year-old Zellers tree looks better than all of Rockefeller Centre when offset against a slushy vestibule full of fentanyl fiends. Blog that contrast is the crux of all known beauty in this world.