Ten Tips For Getting Yourself Killed

If Mariana, also home for Christmas, sends a surprise text inviting you over for a swim, presume your autostereogrammatic missives weren’t such a bust after all. If many sober relatives in her hotel room aren’t keen on your heightened reverie, know that a comic repurposing of your urinary Alan Raval harassment will not get over with this crowd.

One: Inquire if an Archonic allegiance against mankind’s goodness is what’s made them such buzzkills.

Two: Spill whiskeys and throw clean towels atop the booze pools. Ask if Pete is about, and if not Pete, perhaps Paul.

Three: If tense relatives have heard Mariana drunkenly rearrange these apostles a time or two about The Last Supper table, then pass around a picture of your own sister, i.e. ‘I too can tread the maudlin and incestuous path of the unreal conditional!’

Four: If Paul stops by with some biker friends, placing the odds of coaxing the autostereogrammatic with Mariana at an all-time low, abscond with that roughian’s backpack to let him know who the real man is, even if you’re more the chickenshit type of heel. Check the backpack during the cab ride home to find $18,000.

Five: If plot points of Mariana’s long-winded and supplementarily-PDF’d anecdote regarding the Outlaws Motorcycle Club regain autostereogrammatic foci, realize you have stolen $18,000 from the Outlaws Motorcycle Club. Even if described by Mariana as, “not even that bad of guys, ” you will be in danger.

Six: Call bail bondsman acquaintance who once bonded Big Donnie, a local enforcer for the rival Hell’s Angels. Receive Donnie’s Facebook messenger contact. Message Donnie the lay of the land. Inform him that the $10,000 is all his if he can absorb the heat.

Seven: Hang out in Catherine’s room, left to stand as some creehpy shrine to the 20-year-old girl she’d once been and would never be again (thanks Allan Raval!) Blog of how her undergarments have been tactfully hidden away after your indiscretions of 09-12-2016.

Eight: If bail bondsman acquaintance texts that Big Donnie’s cousin Jenya is dating a Hell’s A and ipso facto Sault Sainte Marie enjoys a rare period of détente between the Outlaws and the Angel’s, then in good faith Big Donnie has relayed your message to his Outlaws counterpart, One-Eyed Dave. Check the bus schedule, urgently. If no buses until the following day, hide under covers. Hear a knock on the door followed by O-E Dave’s polite inquiry as to your availability. Emerge into the mud room to stand your ground with One- Eyed Dave. If One-Eyed Dave isn’t wearing a pirate patch or anything, but only has glaucoma in the left eye, joke that he, “probably didn’t see this particular Yuletide assignment coming. ” Interfere as best you can with One-Eyed Dave’s removal of a hammer from his Outlaws leathers.

Nine: Absorb hammer blows with your forehead. Observe the whiteness of the light. Avoid eye contact with your father if he perches above you in the ambulance. Request a paramedical notepad upon which to scrawl a last will and testament concerned with domain names and intellectual property rights.

Ten: Say goodbye to the cruel world and all of its beauty.