Ten Tips for Planning a Human Sacrifice

If nothing less than human sacrifice is required to maintain an accord with the Infernal Serpent, ask Ronald Majthenyi to “Keep a lid on it in front of the Uber driver will ya? Think of my rating. ”

One: Ask Ronald Majthenyi why he never pays for the Ubers. Don’t be deceived by his dumb joke that he doesn’t like to leave a digital “hoofprint. ”

Two: Learn that “No” you can’t “start small” with a “raccoon or a seagull” unless you’re eager for another go-round in The Hall of Memories.

Three: If you nominate Alan Raval as the human sacrifice, two birds with one stone-type operation, Ron will stress the Infernal Serpent’s preference for female sacrifices.

Four: If Maj claims the Infernal Serpent prefers these female sacrifices “more on the fleshy side, ” e.g. ‘ Stacey Keats, ’ e.g. ‘No child-like anorexics, ’ Figure Maj is lying because he wants to do the horizontal mambo with stupid small-boned Mariana.

Five: Alternate between counterfactual remorse and paranoid desperation. Compute fairly self-evident mental equations e.g. ‘Life in jail > eternity in hell. ’

Six: Plot and scheme. Confirm what time your wife attends her Scrapbooking with Babies Meetup at the Dufferin Mall. Construct a pyre using firewood and coding books that Marcel_Proust has already internalized. Request a second date with Stacey by promising to be “way more normal. ” If she declines, citing the Obese American passenger forces Taiwanese flight attendant to wipe his butt on plane 26 callbacks, request the date on behalf of Ronald instead. Meet an eager Stacey at a Starbucks.

Seven: If despite being many vile things, you are providentially no abductor of women, yet now in the Alan Raval role, think only of your sister’s final moments. Plead with Majthenyi, “I can’t do it. ” Plead, “As a top Dupont executive, surely you’re accustomed to having blood on your hands. ”

Eight: Grow pallid as The Maj hog-ties Stacey in the back seat of his Escalade. Aim to curry Majthenyian favour on the villainous ride home by shouting, “Darn impressive fine motor skills you possess there, Ronald. ”

Nine: If hogtied Stacey is placed against the pyre by a Maj who hands you a barbecue lighter and gas can along with a withering look, i.e. ‘Any more hand-holding and this sacrifice is not going to count!’ then quibble and stall by arguing, “If the neighbours can’t abide road hockey past 6 pm, do you really think they’ll abide roasting human flesh and screams of anguish?” 26 (Linder, 2019)

Ten: If Ron concedes to a quieter murder in the coat closet, his use of the word ' asphyxiation' will sap you of agency. Stacey will get a hand untied, escape the coat closet, and lunge for a carving knife adjacent the elk carcasses. Ronald Majthenyi should then execute the sacrifice himself. If while Lysol-wiping blood from his ceremonial daggers Ron glares them your way as well, this means you’ve made Another Big Mistake and will pay and pay and pay. Pay a bit of that penance up front by joining Ron in his dorky choral praises to the Infernal Serpent as Stacey’s flesh is silently burned not atop but amidst the pyre.