Ten Tips for Losing Your Wife and Child Pt. 1

Should Teflon Ron be unaccustomed to having his personal hands bloodied, this infernal usurper will require your wife and child as recompense.

One: If Ronald charms your wife by offering to try his hand at the Scrapbooking game, roll eyes at wife’s muttered,

“You see. Ron’s willing to try new things. ”

Two: Attempt intercessory prayer in Ron’s absence. Grow afflicted with sebaceous cysts about the neck and face.

Three: If your wife and Ron seem quite chatty upon their return from scrapbooking, deceptive brain signals will impel you to disgust her with boil administrations, i.e. ‘squeezing and safety-pin pricking at increasingly-irritated boils, ’ thus voiding your lone-remaining good quality: handsomeness. If you linger on Pimple Popper MD on the so-called Learning Channel to glean do’s and don’ts of the boil-lancing game, hear Majthenyi whisper to your wife, “Don’t we see enough liquor puris around here already?”

Four: Fly into a rage. If still unable to castigate Majthenyi, castigate your wife. Hear her weep and plead, “You’re breaking my heart. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. ”

Five: Hear her say, “I get like no sleep cause I’m always putting up with some crazy bullshit. And you don’t even care. And now the baby is crying. You only care about yourself. Do you ever think about me? Me and how I feel?”

Six: If she sobs like a little girl who can barely get out the words “You don’t even care, ” relate anew to Bob Dylan’s observation of what women break like. Pet the baby’s head to signal that you care about the baby at least.

Seven: If agency to rebut her grievances is imperceptibly “Libeted”27, watch with grey hatred as Ronald Majthenyi magnifies himself in her heart. Understand that Emily was your last lone bulwark of grace protecting against your inclinations towards iniquity. Understand every measured word and every poutful pour-out of a paint thinner can as a twodecade beneficence The Maj duped you into surrendering. In your abjection, understand that while her moral hygiene had seemed to inhibit the lifestyle you’d coveted, said hygiene was all that kept you from the pit, and you’d traded it months previous to any dealings with the archfiend for evenings that glittered past the borderline, for autostereogrammatic pleasure that was anything but satisfaction.

Eight: Upon waking from an Etizolam stupor, find Ronald Majthenyi waving his wand and casting an apparent hex unto thee: “Upon ye I cast the flippancy of the vivacious histrionic; the sulky and easily-wrought up impulsivity of the 27 (Fifel, 2018) tempestuous histrionic; the synthesized staginess of the theatrical histrionic; the guileful double-dealing of the disingenuous histrionic. Seek attentions to excess. Attempt inappropriate seductions. May you be periodically inflamed. May you be turbulent. May you be politically voluble. All while affected and pouting and labile and unlovable. By Belphegor let us borrow from the Schizotypal diagnosis for this witches’ brew—let Ideas of Reference be cast unto thee: so that the innocuous will seem strongly significant, every passage in every pavement periodical pertaining directly unto thee, periodically inflaming you with perceived meaning and purpose you must convey through put-on postures all will recognize as childlike hysteria. ”

Nine: If that sounds dire + your belongings have been packed in boxes: fleshlights in boxes, PlayStation VR helmets in boxes, many bottles of Varsol in one greasy box labelled

“Garbage?” in a passive-aggressive elegance of script, understand the parental panic of knowing that each loving glance in the direction of your child may be your last.

Ten: Appreciate the dental asymmetry, child-like smile, and boyish personality of your wife, reborn as she’s been in the light of Ronald Majthenyi’s devious love: a revitalization you could have brought about by repaying a fraction of the love she’d spent on you. Hope it’s not too late to inappropriately seduce her. Understand that it is. As Bob Dylan also remarked while looking sad, bewildered, drunk, and on drugs, upon the reception of his Lifetime Achievement Grammy at Radio City Music Hall in 1991: “It’s possible to become so defiled in this world that your own father and mother will abandon you, and if that happens, God will always believe in your own ability to mend your own ways. ”