How to Reap the Rewards of Cultural Phenomenality

If all this zirconia perfectly fits the breadth of your gums, you are ready for big opportunities in the leadership space.

One: Heed the quotidian advice that any informed wellness purveyor could have provided: meditate, moisturize, work your core, cardio, look before you cross the street, avoid inhalable solvents, eat healthy fats, indulge in pornographic materials at your dopaminergic peril.

Two: Avail yourself of Achlys-Septis proprietary blends advertised to improve your memory, gift of gab, and sense of self-worth.

Three: Steal the show from your Nootropics Makeover competitors. Become so nootropically-healed that you’re made a de-facto counsellor by episode two, your role modelled after fellow catastrophic brain injuree Gary Busey’s in the sixth season of Celebrity Rehab.

Four: Receive endless plaudits from upper management at the struggling Cosmo Network.

Five: If Achlys-Septis skin tinctures have restored the élan of your early twenties, when it was once suggested you possessed the unique gifts required of a cult leader, then your nootropical tutorials will be viewed by millions and then billions on YouTube.

Six: Share the Cosmo Network’s surprise when the penultimate episode of Nootropics Makeover becomes the most viewed cable television program of all time.

Seven: If a resultant nootropical consultation with Secretary General of the United Nations António Guterres temporarily improves world affairs, dismiss rumours of a presidential run.

Eight: Parlay presidential attentions into an initiative to have Bacopa Monieri added to the water supply, citing all that it’s done for you, a man once ablaze with intemperance. Ceremonially pour a bunch of bacopa into the New Croton aqueduct with some New York City Waterbohard thugs. While in Manhattan, pay a visit to Dublin Mike and gift him with some Achlys-Septis milk thistle.

Nine: If the tiny minority of non- Nootropics Makeover obsessives have been unearthing old grief blogs and asking hard questions about pyres and solvents and the glaring lack of rigorous double-blind studies or regulations relative to the nootropic industry, they will be rigorously shamed as conspiracy theorists by Anderson Cooper and his loose-moralled brethren in the consensus regulation industry.

Ten: Pop a Scurry™ and hope the consensus regulators aren’t agents of the archfiend, but simply burying the pyre ‘conspiracy’ because you have briefly reified their dying televisual medium and ergo their ability to regulate the consensus itself, since prior to your arrival on the nootropical and televisual scene, the consensus had been arbitrarily regulated by Swedish video game bloggers and thick-necked UFC commentators, leading to the major news networks being referenced as “legacy media, ” which must have really stuck in the legacy media’s craw.