How to Plan a Family Reunion

If after three days sans visitor, the only five people in the world who could possibly give a hang about you the apophatic avenger arrive in your hospital room, then pound that nurse-summoning button to order the apple and banana pouches your infant guest likes to eat, eat, and eat.

One: Wonder if Britannica’s visible apprehension stems from nascent Singing Competition stardom, proximity to your wife’s spontaneous malevolent contemptuousness, or from fiendish Zheing Yiang having shown her the film Star 80 in his private screening room.

Two: Should Zheing and Ronald Majthenyi exchange furtive glances, and Yiang’s interventions into your fortunes have seemed a little deus ex Zheing, the two men must be in infernal cahoots.

Three: Look at your real wife. Exchange an ocular empathy borne of years spent together on couches, trips Beyond the Infinite in 2001 to the abortive walk-in clinic, all the trials and tribulations of young impoverished youth, and then emerging from poverty together into lower-middle class comforts, the cheap pleasure of the movies even, all the popcorn and large sodas, all the sunsets at the poor person’s beach, all her weariness and inability to make effective arguments on her own behalf, her inhuman ability to transcend all of your foibles and addictions and rages and sentimentalities.

Four: Touch the soft skull of Marcel_Proust, who is part of her and part of you, containing some of the selfsame neurological wiring responsible for your current thoughts. In recognition of all this, as part apology, part crie-de-couer, gurgle the unattributed words, “Those who seek him, find him, ”63 at both your wife and baby.

Five: If the no-nonsense diversity czar overhears this as she passes in the hall, she will remark, “We don’t tolerate hate speech here, ” as Ronald Majthenyi will query, “Find who, exactly?” as Yiang Zhieng will condemn, “Hopped up on Varsol again. Sad! Not sure how he’d get it in the hospital. Maybe he should be moved to a more reputable location. ”

Six: If the functionary comes by tapping the now $218,000 bill, eye-ball-indicate that Zheing will be happy to provide a down-payment. Wonder what Zheing whispers to the functionary. Make pleading eye contact with wife. Eye contact of rebuke towards Judas Britannica. Eye contact of apology towards blameless baby Marcel_Proust.

Seven: If Ronald Majthenyi strolls your wife and child away as Britannica is escorted off by Yiang, scowl forlornly when orderlies wheelbarrow-stretcher you the Knight of Sorrowful Faith into a cab without even offering a cab voucher. 63 (Augustine, The Confessions, 1998)

Eight: If an orderly asks the Sterling Hayden-resemblant cab driver to convey thee unto a hobo hospital, contemplate the gold cross hanging from the cab driver’s rear-view mirror. Point to it. Use your mangled right arm and your functional left arm to form a steeple.

Nine: Writhe in pain until you see signage for the Reformed Church of Greater Los Angeles.

Ten: Appreciate when Sterling Hayden leaves his meter turned off and finds some Reformed functionaries to stretcher you into their church basement/hobo haven. Respond that yes you are hungry. Respond that yes you are in pain.