Ten Tips for Reversing the Flow of Time

Caveat emptor— readers must be in hell for these tips to possess value. If not already in hell, readers will have no means of reversing the flow of time. Bad news for the reader not in hell: this list can’t aid you in reversing time. Good news for the reader not in hell: you are not in hell! Readers not in hell are encouraged to count themselves lucky, but also to like and share so that any friends reading from hell might benefit.

One: Request of middle management demons, “Certain to be a common request, Anthony, but mightn’t I be better utilized advancing the infernal cause back on terra firma? No issue with the pencil-sharp penetrations whatsoever, starting to derive an almost pleasant humiliation from them in fact, but I am something of a silver-tongued devil myself, pun intended, Tone, and it seems certain talents of mine, blogging talents, are being underutilized at this level of the organization. ”

Two: Be persistent! Don’t think these supervisory demons wouldn’t all like to reverse the flow of time themselves. And regardless of blogging ability, almost everyone considers themselves a silver-tongued devil, hence Twitter, hence the banality of Reddit.com.

Three: Network! Network! Network! People in hell might seem désagréable. And sure you’ll have to hear about their own schemes and dreams for escaping hell, but is the cocktail hour at an insurance convention altogether less dispiriting? It is not. Network until some demonic higherups recognize you as a go-getter.

Four: Tip three transcends reversing the flow of time and is relevant to any field.

Five: Keep roars of agony down to dull roars. The insurance adjuster who refuses to spend all his lunchroom hours

“bitching and moaning” will be appreciated for his imperviousness to the calling’s crushing mundanity. Similarly, demonic middle management will note your pluck and mention you in Slack threads read by the Archfiend.

Six: When you finally get that meeting with the Archfiend, kiss his pointy toes and offer your orifices to him as sexual chattel, per custom.

Seven: If lying when you plead, “Mr. Infernal Serpent, um, Adversary to most but certainly not to me, you old Son of the Morning you, listen man it’s not about wanting out, it’s about bringing everything we’ve got down here up there, ” it won’t matter much; The Archfiend has been lying since he could hold a fiery trident.

Eight: Accept the Archfiend’s offer that you can leave hell on the grounds that you immediately sire a son and teach him the pattern extraction at the bedrock of artificial super intelligence (ASI) engineering, thus instantiating what Destinee has in store for you: “[s]o much positive feedback fast-forward that speed converges with itself on the event horizon of an artificial time-extinction. ”16

Nine: Have your mission encoded via Neurolinguistic Programming. Feign surprise when NLP guru Richard Bandler is on hand in hell to administer your training module.

Ten: Upon reintegration of corporeal consciousness, remove an intubation or two. Recall the Bandler-recommended books to read to the son you must now sire. Request notepaper from your mother’s purse. Record book titles before they flee your mind as dream-encoded messages flee in the hypnopompic moment: Python for Dummies Paradigms of Artificial Intelligence Programming: Case Studies in Common Lisp R for Data Science Artificial Intelligence: Foundations of Computational Agents Record 18,959 letters of code. If a doctoral student writing his dissertation on post-concussive savants begs you to take his battery of acquired savant tests, respond, “Nah, should probably just fly back to Toronto before Outlaws get word of my miraculous recuperation but feel free to chart my progress at http://wordpress.com/toweepistomakelessthedepth.com.” 16 (Land, Machinic Desire, 2011)