Ten Tips for Appeasing an Aggrieved Lover

If having heard all of this, Brittanica screams accusations from the backseat while you the Knight of Infinite Resignation sit up front issuing retaliatory eye scrunches, i.e. ‘Not in front of John, please, ’ then here are ten tips for deceiving Britannica into believing you love her.

One: Play Beethoven’s sonatas in Brittanica’s bedroom. Recite from A Lover’s Discourse, “There are two words: pothos, desire for the absent being, and Himeros, the more burning desire for the present being. ”37 invoking an, “So your dumb desire for me is more burning just cause I’m here? What was so burning about your stupid sister anyway? Was she better looking than me? Can I see a picture?” Regret showing Britannica a few hundred pictures when she weeps, knowing as anyone that she could never measure up to Catherine’s pulchritude.

Two: While waiting out Brittanica’s own histrionics, raid the kitchen for zesty mordant croustilles.38 Recoil at the word 37 (Barthes, 2002) 38 (Clattenburg, Smith, & Torrens, 2005) 'pyres???' written on a fridge notepad. Decline incoming call from Toronto Police Services on the wirelessly-charging phone of Deborah Lee.

Three: Request John’s $10,000 walking money. Grudgingly accept $183 of “diaper money” in cash and a cheque for the balance. If John requests that you decamp without bidding Britannica adieu, suggest said bid could well prevent John’s casting in the unenviable role of her life’s eternal villain who compromised her lone chance at romantic love. Draw a vague sketch of Alan Raval’s unwelcome place in your psychic landscape. Walk into Britannica’s room. Propose Judeo-Christian marriage without specifying it as such. Request immediate elopement. Absorb her reticence. Regarding “living expenses, ” return to A Lover’s Discourse,

“I gladly abandon dreary tasks, rational scruples, reactive undertakings imposed by the world, for the sake of a useless task deriving from a dazzling Duty: the lover’s duty. I perform discretely, lunatic chores; I am the sole witness of my lunacy. What love lays bare in me is energy. ”39 And while abandoning rational scruples has rarely covered living expenses, she is so sold, which is sad, since your only intended “lunatic chore” is to placate something unplacatable within yourself by murdering Allan Raval.

Four: Defenestrate yourself from Britannica’s second-story window. Offer to break her fall once she’s duly defenestrated. Fail to. Absorb a lot of belly-aching about a broken or twisted ankle that’s obviously just malingering since she is able to walk just fine. 39 (Barthes, 2002)

Five: If Brittanica limps alongside you towards the nearest Scotiabank branch to cash John’s cheque, pull on her plump wrist while explaining how you had to burn her dad. A financial rather than pyre-based burning, assure her.

Six: If she rubs her ankle and asks, “What are you always talking about those friggin’ pyres for?” note her uncanny relegation to the Sissy-Spacek-in- Badlands role. Board that Greyhound bus. Protect Britannica from the advances of Greyhound creeps straight out of central casting. Flash your blade when required.

Seven: “Where we going? Vancouver?”

Eight: “Sault Sainte Marie. ”

Nine: “Eww, no. Why? I’m getting off in Sudbury and getting a cab. ”

Ten: If the Beck Taxi App calculates the cab’s cost at $912, feel Britannica’s thighs curl into your own as she acquiesces. Index finger a few micropaedic entries onto her tummy. Rest a palm on the curvature about her hip and realize you’ll forever be an Image-Repertoire victim so long as you can’t access the past but pretty girls persist in the indexical present.